Category: Humour

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Are You Making A New Year’s Resolution?

Are You Making A New Year’s Resolution?

The tradition of New Year’s Resolutions has a long history, with people from many cultures across the globe making promises at the start of each year. Babylonians made promises to their gods that they would return borrowed objects and pay their debts. The Romans began each year by making promises to the god Janus, for whom the month of January is named. In the medieval era, the knights took the “peacock vow” at the end of the Christmas season to re-affirm their commitment to chivalry.

If you are thinking of joining in, here are some ideas based on the top 10 most common New Year’s Resolutions:

  • Exercise More
  • Lose Weight
  • Get organised
  • Learn a new skill or hobby
  • Live life to the fullest
  • Save more money
  • Quit smoking or drink less
  • Spend more time with family/friends.

 

If you need more inspiration for this year, how about this advice from Billy Connolly ‘Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares … He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes.’

Interestingly, your enthusiasm for New Year’s resolutions may depend on your age. Recent research suggests young Brits are by far the most likely to make them, with more than a third of 18 to 24 year olds intending to do so, while only 15% of those over 65 will bother. On the plus side research shows that Americans are more likely to give up on their resolutions than we are.

So how likely are you to be successful with your resolutions?

A study of 3,000 people by Richard Wiseman from the University of Bristol showed that 88% of those who set New Year resolutions fail! People apparently have more success with small and measurable goals like ‘lose a certain amount of weight in a week’ rather than a more general resolution to lose weight. Pauline Wallin, PhD, psychologist and author of ‘Taming Your Inner Brat’ advises people to develop a realistic plan, build in imperfections and focus on small victories along the way. But beware! Recent research has discovered that the second Friday in January is the day when we are most likely to falter. So this year if you do make a New Year’s Resolution be wary of ‘Quitter’s Day’ Friday 10th January

 

 

The Boy Who Laughed At Santa Claus

The Boy Who Laughed At Santa Claus

In Baltimore there lived a boy
He wasn’t anybody’s joy.
Although his name was Jabez Dawes
His character was full of flaws.
In school he never led his classes
He hid old ladies’ reading glasses
His mouth was open when he chewed
And elbows to the table glued.
He stole the milk of hungry kittens
And walked through doors marked No Admittance.
He said he acted thus because
There wasn’t any Santa Claus.

Another trick that tickled Jabez
Was crying “Boo!” at little babies.
He brushed his teeth  they said in town
Sideways instead of up and down.
Yet people pardoned every sin
And viewed his antics with a grin
Till they were told by Jabez Dawes
“There isn’t any Santa Claus!”

 

Deploring how he did behave
His parents swiftly sought their grave.
They hurried through the portals pearly
And Jabez left the funeral early.
Like whooping cough
from child to child
He sped to spread the rumor wild:
“Sure as my name is Jabez Dawes
There isn’t any Santa Claus!”

 

Slunk like a weasel or a marten
Through nursery and kindergarten
Whispering low to every tot
“There isn’t any no there’s not!”
The children wept all Christmas Eve
And Jabez chortled up his sleeve.
No infant dared to hang up his stocking
For fear of Jabez’ ribald mocking.
He sprawled on his untidy bed
Fresh malice dancing in his head
When presently with scalp a-tingling
Jabez heard a distant jingling;
He heard the crunch of sleigh and hoof
Crisply alighting on the roof.
What good to rise and bar the door?
A shower of soot was on the floor.
What was beheld by Jabez Dawes?
The fireplace full of Santa Claus!
Then Jabez fell upon his knees
With cries of “Don’t ” and “Pretty please.
” He howled “I don’t know where you read it
But anyhow I never said it!”

“Jabez ” replied the angry saint
“It isn’t I it’s you that ain’t.
Although there is a Santa Claus
There isn’t any Jabez Dawes!”
Said Jabez with impudent vim
“Oh yes there is; and I am him!
Your magic don’t scare me it doesn’t”—
And suddenly he found he wasn’t!
From grimy feet to grimy locks
Jabez became a Jack-in-the-box
An ugly toy with springs unsprung
Forever sticking out his tongue.

The neighbors heard his mournful squeal;
They searched for him but not with zeal.
No trace was found of Jabez Dawes
Which led to thunderous applause
And people drank a loving cup
And went and hung their stockings up.
All you who sneer at Santa Claus
Beware the fate of Jabez Dawes
The saucy boy who mocked the saint.
Donder and Blitzen licked off his paint.

By Ogden Nash

 

Quick Witted US Cops

 

AMERICAN COPS

These quotes are taken off actual police car videos
around the states: There are some mighty ‘quick
witted’ cops!
’You know, stop lights don’t come any redder
than the one you just went through.’
’Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re
new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.’
’If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your
birth certificate a worthless document.’
 ‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’
’Can you run faster than 1200 ft/second? Because
that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’
’You don’t know how fast you were going? I
guess that means I can write anything I want on the
ticket, huh?’
’Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I
don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m
the shift supervisor?’
’Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m
warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you
another ticket.’
’The answer to this last question will determine
whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse
a cat or a dog?’
’Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a
place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton
candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’
’Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my
wife gets a toaster oven.’
’How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you
had?’
’No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used
to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets
as we can.’
’I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a
personal friend of yours. It’s good to know
someone who can post your bail.’
’You didn’t think we gave pretty women tickets?
You’re right, we don’t ………. Sign here.’

Outrageous Proposal

 

We all know about the long queues and delays facing us when using Culverhouse Cross Roundabout. The Roundabout is already at 150% capacity (that is 50% more vehicles are using it than forecast). It is understood that capacity will rise to over 200% in the coming year. Our public transport system is woefully inadequate, and the current infrastructure has been left relatively unchanged despite the increasing number of homes in the area.

 

In an effort to ease the traffic problems a congestion charge of £1.00 is to be introduced for use of the Roundabout. It is anticipated that the charge will be for any vehicle using the roundabout weekdays between the hours of 7.00am – 10.00am and 3.00pm – 6.00pm. Blue Badge Holders will be exempt, but they will need to contact their local council to register. There will be a one-off administrative fee of £10.00 for this service.

Cameras already in place on Culverhouse Cross Roundabout have the technology to monitor non-payment of the charge through Automatic Number Plate Recognition (ANPR). The penalty for non-payment will be £50.00, with a reduction if paid within 2 weeks of the notice issue date.

The Scheme will be self-financing, and any surplus monies will be used towards on-going road repairs, specifically potholes.

Mr Alf Polior (our source who has close links to the three organisations who have been involved in this decision – Cardiff City Council, the Vale of Glamorgan Council and Welsh Government) tells us that the proposed

Congestion Charge is likely to be made public on Monday 1st April and without any public consultation.

This is outrageous!

One of Polior’s associates living in Wenvoe and travelling to work at UHW Cardiff has said that he has looked at an alternative route through Dinas Powys to avoid this charge. Online Route Planners have shown that such a change of route will extend his journey to 20 miles per day, resulting in a cumulative increase of 1680 miles per year.

We are grateful to our resident for sharing the potential fuel cost increases with us, as well as the difference between paying the Congestion Charge and choosing an alternative route to work. He will be leading a focus group to calculate the increased journey time as well as to discuss the ONS Report which state that: ‘feelings of happiness, life satisfaction and the sense that one’s activities are worthwhile all decrease with every successive minute of travel to work’.

To continue reading and to see the link to the online petition, please turn to Page 4.

 

 

 

THE TWELVE THANK YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS

Dec 25 – My dearest darling Edward, What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving

Emily xxxxx

Dec 26 – Beloved Edward, The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I’m so touched and grateful!

With undying love, as always,

Emily xxxxx

Dec 27 – My darling Edward, You do think of the most original presents! Whoever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It’s a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we’ll find some. Anyway, thank you so much; they’re lovely.

Your devoted

Emily xxxx

Dec 28 – Dearest Edward, What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly – they make telephoning almost impossible – but I expect they’ll calm down when they get use to their new home. Anyway, I’m very grateful, of course I am.

Love from

Emily xxxx

Dec 29 – Dearest Edward, The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier, in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I’m afraid none of us got much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to use the rings to “wring” their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time she’s only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love the rings.

Bless you,

Emily xxx

Dec 30 – Dear Edward, Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning, it certainly wasn’t six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch. Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no room for them, and they’ve already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you meant well, but let’s call a halt, shall we?

Love,

Emily xx

Dec 31 – Edward, I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I’d rather not think what’s happened to the goldfish. The whole house seems to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so please, please, stop!

Your Emily xx

Jan 1 – Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I’m afraid I don’t find it very amusing.

Emily x

Jan 2 – Look here, Edward, This has gone far enough. You say you’re sending me nine ladies dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they’re certainly not ladies. The village just isn’t accustomed to seeing a regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick, cavorting round the green, and it’s Mother and I who get the blame. If you value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this ridiculous behavior at once!

Emily

Jan 3 – As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbours are trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.

Emily.

Jan 4 – This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now become something between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an ambulance. I hope you’re satisfied.

Jan 5 – Sir,

Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much assorted livestock.

I am, Sir, yours faithfully,

I. Creep,

Attorney at law.

 

 

You’ve Gotta Laugh

 

US WELFARE BLOOPERS

Excerpts drawn from letters written by citizens applying for payments from a state agency.

• I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

• In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

• I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

• Unless I get my money soon I will be forced to live an immortal life.

• You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

• I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

• Mrs Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

• Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can’t eat or do anything until he knows.

• In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I hope this is satisfactory.

 

 

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