Category: Humour

Fun stuff

Cold Caller

COLD CALLER

(A true story) I was awoken just after 7am the other morning by the telephone ringing. Staggering out to the landing to answer it, I was greeted by a gentleman informing me that there had been suspicious activity on the internet corrupting my computer. As this was not a recorded message but a real live person, rather than slam the receiver down I asked the caller if he knew what ungodly time it was; having established that he was probably ringing from the UK and not some far off country I decided that having been dragged from my bed earlier than intended I now had time to spare to play along with his requests.

As usual with these callers he requested I switch on my computer. I pointed out that this was in another room and it would take a few minutes. So off I went to the toilet before returning to inform my caller that the computer was now switched on. Next request was the information about what I could see and I dutifully described my screen saver picture to him. Very patiently he asked me to enter my internet provider screen; off to clean my teeth. Next request on my return was to go to the ‘page from where I could call up the internet’. Off to have a shave.

On my return, he asked if I had a mobile phone or a laptop to save my having to wander off to perform each request; regrettably I lied that I possessed neither. Next idea was maybe I could move the computer nearer to the phone, this I informed him that it may be possible but I would need to unplug everything and set it up nearby and it would take a while, he agreed to wait. I went off and had a shower.

A very patient operator was still there, as I dried myself. He dictated a web site address I needed to enter. Poor hearing! I got it wrong, returned to confirm what he had asked me to enter. Now fully dry, time to think about what to wear today.

Few more delays and he was obviously coming to the conclusion that I was somebody who had little knowledge about computers and he could see an easy scam on the horizon; I did nothing to change his views.

One or two more delays, and I was fully dressed and ready to go and have some breakfast. With having to interrupt my morning ablutions to chat with the fellow, nearly half an hour had passed. I thanked my caller for being so patient with a brief explanation of what I had been doing during my numerous absences and hung up.

On reaching the kitchen the downstairs telephone rang; again, it was my computer man upset at what my scam had cost him in time and phone charges. With a smile on my face I happily went about my daily business

 

 

A Letter From Harold

A LETTER FROM HAROLD

It is important for all husbands to remember that, as a women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this in your wife try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there is nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Harold. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Debbie.

When I took “early retirement” last year, it became necessary for Debbie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before, she starts preparing dinner. I don’t yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the Crown and Anchor so eating out twice a day is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think.

For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ’em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.

That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a break when she has only half finished mowing the lawn, I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade or orange juice and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Debbie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, fellows, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Happy retirement

Harold

Editor’s Note;-

Harold died suddenly on May 27th last year

The police report states that he was found with a Callaway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club rammed up his posterior, with only 2 inches of grip showing.

His wife Debbie was arrested and charged with murder; however, the all-woman jury found her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that he accidentally sat down on it.

 

 

 

A Letter From Harold

Always Look On The Bright Side

 

 

ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE

While we are all hoping to avoid a local lockdown, self-isolation or quarantine, in true British fashion we seem to be making the best of things. We are already getting used to life with coronavirus and of course most of the current restrictions are nothing new

Although in the past it may have been a self-imposed or voluntary separation from society, in more recent times quarantine has come to represent a compulsory action enforced by health authorities. The Welsh Government of course is not the first to wrestle with this problem. During the 14th century, in an effort to protect coastal cities from plague epidemics, ships arriving in Venice from infected ports were required to sit at anchor for 40 days before landing. This practice, called quarantine, was derived from the Italian words quaranta giorni which mean 40 days.

Ancient civilizations relied on isolating the sick, well before the actual microbial causes of disease were known. In times when treatments for illnesses were rare and public health measures few, physicians and lay leaders, beginning as early as the ancient Greeks, turned to quarantine to contain a scourge. The practice is even recorded in the Old Testament where several verses mention isolation for those with leprosy. Closer to home the Quarantine Act was passed in England in 1710, which stipulated a sentence of death for persons not respecting the compulsory 40-day quarantine for humans and goods arriving here suspected or known to have been in contact with the plague.

Perhaps the best known individual example of quarantine, pitting an individual’s civil liberties against public protection, is the story of Mary Mallon, aka “Typhoid Mary”. An asymptomatic carrier of typhoid fever in the early 20th century, she never felt sick but nevertheless spread the disease to families for whom she worked as a cook. Officials quarantined Mary on North Brother Island in New York City. Released after three years, she promised never to cook for anyone again. Breaking her promise and continuing to spread the disease, she was returned to North Brother Island, where she remained for the remainder of her life in isolation.

So, beyond the usual online fitness sessions, reading those books we have never got around to, or holding a Zoom quiz, what can do to keep ourselves entertained if we suddenly have to self-isolate? While staying indoors, we can at least turn to the internet.

How about a virtual tour of bucket-list attractions like Machu Picchu and the Taj Mahal? You could take a virtual field trip of the Kennedy Space Centre or maybe follow a livestream of an Australian koala. If music is your thing how about tuning in to the live concerts performed at the Royal Albert Hall, which as a planned programme online. If you prefer rock, Metallica have a similar programme and if you are feeling a little more laid back try Neil Young or Nora Jones. You can keep up to date with what’s happening via websites like billboard.com.

You could even join in the latest way to socialise with friends over video chat, by holding your own Quarantini Happy Hour. Simply stated, a quarantini is a cocktail (alcoholic or non-alcoholic) made from whatever ingredients you have on hand at home. The easiest way is to make variants of classic cocktails based on one-ingredient substitutions. One expert cited a Negroni, with equal proportions of gin, Campari, and sweet vermouth. When gin was swapped out for whiskey, the Boulevardier was invented. Jane Danger, the national mixologist for Pernod Ricard suggests starting by selecting your spirit of choice and base your “sweet” and “sour” upon it. “Ransack your cupboard. Dried herbs and spices make great salts and sugars which you can grind together and use to rim the glass.” So with lots of suggestions online, why not have a go?

 

 

Treat Our Masks Like Our Undies

COUNCIL URGES US TO TREAT OUR MASKS LIKE OUR UNDIES

A year ago we couldn’t possibly have imagined that while going about our normal business the wearing of masks would be a common sight. Of course we are used to seeing masks in all sorts of contexts and we seem fairly relaxed about being told to wear them.

Masks have a long and often strange history, particularly in popular culture. In Ancient Greece masks worn by actors had brass megaphones to amplify what actors were saying. When an Indonesian Topang dancer dies, his used masks are never moved from where they were at the time of his death. In the 17th century people believed the plague could be carried by poisoned air or miasma. Plague doctors covered themselves head to toe and wore a mask shaped like a bird’s beak. Perfumes and spices held under the masks were said to neutralise the miasma.

It was not until the late 19th century that masks were being worn in operating theatres. This process was accelerated by their use to protect medical workers during the Manchurian plague of 1910–11 and the influenza pandemic of 1918–19. During the latter the safety measures taken were very similar to those today. The United States for example, closed churches, soda fountains, theatres, movie houses, department stores and barber shops. The amount of space allocated to people in public spaces was regulated. There were however fines against coughing, sneezing, spitting, kissing and even talking outdoors. Some Americans went to prison for refusing to wear masks or not paying fines and a health inspector shot a blacksmith for refusing an order to wear one. All this led to masks becoming unpopular and an Anti-Mask League being formed in San Francisco.

Back in the UK, smog in our industrial cities was a further example of something which led to mask wearing for public health reasons, until The Clean Air Act (1956) began to improve matters.

 

This picture of a Manchester bus during the smog was taken at midday!

As late as 1965, the Beatles wore masks to counter the effects of smog on their way to a concert in the city.

 

While wearing face coverings is not ideal, it has not taken long for the demand for fashionable masks to accelerate. Hello magazine recently ran a whole feature on where to buy a stylish or fun version. You can get one of your favourite band or football team. Maybe you want to make a political point.

 

To help get the message across, Sunderland Council has issued the following advice. “Treat your mask like your undies. Dinnit touch or rive at it, especially in public. Dinnit borrow one from ya marra (mate) or lend yours to them. Mack sure it’s canny tight but comfy. Mack sure it’s the reet way round. If it’s stained or hacky, hoy it in the bin. If it’s damp or foisty, change it! Dinnit go commando!”

 

 

Bring Back Tommy Cooper

BRING BACK TOMMY COOPER

Phone answering machine message – ‘If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key’.

……..

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat. off the top shelf. He said, ‘No, the steaks are too high.’

……………………………

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

……………………………

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

……………………………

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.

……………………………

Our icecream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

……………………………

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doctor says ‘I’ll give you some cream to put on it’.

……………………………

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

‘My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?’

‘Well’, said the vet, ‘let’s have a look at him’. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, ‘I’m going to have to put him down.’

‘Why – because he’s cross-eyed?’ ‘No, because he’s really heavy’.

……………………………

Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

 

 

The Dead Duck

THE DEAD DUCK

A woman lays her very limp pet duck on the table in the veterinary surgery. The vet puts his stethoscope to the bird’s chest and listens carefully. The vet shakes his head. “I’m really sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The woman becomes quite distressed and begins to cry. “Are you sure?” she says. “Yes mam” the vet responds. “Your duck is definitely dead.” “But how can you be so sure?” the woman protests. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything have you? Perhaps he’s just stunned.”

The vet rolls his eyes and leaves the room. A few minutes later he returns with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looks on in amazement, the Labrador stands on his hind legs, puts his front paws on the examination table and sniffs around the duck. He then looks up at the vet with sad

eyes and shakes his head. The vet pats the dog on the head and takes it out of the room. A few minutes later the vet returns with a cat. The cat jumps on the table and sniffs at the bird. After a moment the cat looks up, shakes its head, meows and strolls out of the room.

The vet looks at the woman and says, “I’m really sorry, but as I said before, your duck is dead.”

The vet then turns to his computer and produces a bill. The duck’s owner, still in shock, looks at the bill and sees it is $150. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!” she shrieks with incredulity.

The vet shrugs his shoulders and says, “I’m sorry mam. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. However, with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $150.”

 

 

QUIZ – TRUE OR FALSE???

TRUE OR FALSE???

Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false? No cheating – answer all the question first before looking up the answers.

  1. Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
  2. Alfred Hitchcock didn’t have a belly button.
  3. A packet-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
  4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it’s from being indoors a lot more.
  5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
  6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
  7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
  8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until they are 2-6 years old.
  9. The average person over 50 years old will have spent almost 5 years waiting in lines.
  10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
  11. The average housefly lives for one month.
  12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
  13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
  14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
  15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
  16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
  17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
  18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
  19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in ‘An Officer and a Gentleman’ and ‘Tootsie.’
  20. Michael Jackson owned the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
  21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
  22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
  23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle, built in 1903, used a tomato can for a carburettor.
  24. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
  25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
  26. If colouring weren’t added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

 

(Answers to come later)

 

 

Delia’s Way Vs Real Women’s Way

Delia’s Way Vs Real Women’s Way

Delia’s way Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

The Real Women’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Gods sake, you’re probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Delia’s way To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

The Real Women’s Way: Buy powdered potato and keep it in the cupboard for up to a year.

Delia’s way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the tin, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

The Real Women’s Way: Go to the bakers. They’ll even decorate it for you.

Delia’s way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up”.

The Real Women’s Way: If you over salt a dish while you’re cooking, that’s tough. Please recite with me The Real Women’s motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.

Delia’s way: Wrap celery in foil when putting in the fridge and it will keep for weeks.

The Real Women’s Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Delia’s way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

The Real Women’s Way: The Fray Bentos pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don’t do it.

Delia’s way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using rubber gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

The Real Women’s Way: Go ask the very gorgeous neighbour to do it.

Delia’s way: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

The Real Women’s Way: Leftover wine?

Delia’s way: When catering for an evening buffet, calculate food portions and timings a week in advance, so that you’re not rushing on the night.

The Real Women’s Way: Nip into Marks & Sparks on the way home that evening, and buy everything in ready made.

Delia’s way:When you have finished the preparation for your buffet, wash up and treat yourself to a glass of wine.

The Real Women’s Way: Hide the packets and drain the last of that “pre dinner” wine bottle…

 

 

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