Category: Humour
Fun stuff
The Roving Photographer
THE ROVING PHOTOGRAPHER
Well, I couldn’t believe it! With the heavy rain put-ting off the faint-hearted on Halloween, I was start-ing to tuck into sweets that were left by the no-shows. Then this pair turned up, scaring me half to death. Brilliant costumes. They said their names were Lisa & James. Likely story!
A ‘Poem’ by Bill Daniel
SATNAV
A ‘Poem’ by Bill Daniel
(not Pam Ayres, as originally thought)
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver’s friend, it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, I’ve had it all my life, it’s better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive “It’s sixty miles an hour” it says, you’re doing sixty five. It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake, and tells me that it’s never ever safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green, it seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear, and taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I’m sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey’s pretty fraught, so why don’t I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I’m properly fed. It washes all my shirts & things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the ‘bugger’ off.
The Trouble With February
THE TROUBLE WITH FEBRUARY
February has long been at the centre of attempts to create a workable calendar. The fact it has 28 days can be traced back to ancient Rome. The Roman’s first lunar calendar was just 10 months long and did not even have a January or February, because the Romans didn’t think the period was important because it had nothing to do with harvesting. Eventually, Rome’s first king, Numa Pompilius (753–673 BC), decided to create a new calendar based on lunar cycles. This calendar was based on a 355 day year and introduced two new additional months – January and February. Even numbers were considered unlucky but if the new calendar was to work then one month would have to have an even number of days. February was chosen and given 28 days, all the rest had 29 or 31. The new calendar was constantly undermined by priests who had the power to remove a month from the calendar year. If they didn’t like someone elected to office the priests would shorten his term by leaving a month out!
To sort out the mess, in 45BC, Julius Caesar commissioned an expert to create a sun-based calendar similar to the one the Egyptians used. The Julian Calendar added a little more than 10 days to each year, making each month 30 or 31 days long, except for February left with 28 days. However every four years, now known as a ‘leap year’, February was given an extra day. Caesar was delighted. Not only was the new calendar named after him, but he chose to name July after himself as well. Not to be outdone, on becoming emperor Augustus Caesar named August.
By the 16th century, because the earth does not travel around the sun in exactly 365.25 days, Caesar’s calendar got way out of sync. To solve the problem, Pope Gregory VIII introduced the Gregorian calendar in 1582. This calendar got things in sync again but controversially involved moving dates up 10 days.
In 1752 there was widespread opposition to plans to bring our calendar in line with that of Europe. Ordinary people were alarmed by the changes to festivals, Saints days, birthdays and the dates of wage payments and trading contracts. Some came to the conclusion that the government were stealing 11 days from their lives. There followed the so called ‘Calendar Riots’ with popular cries of ‘Give us our eleven days back’ by protesters.
An Act of Parliament implemented calendar reform on Wednesday 2nd September, 1752, with the next day declared to be Thursday September 14th. The new calendar meant that New Year’s Day, previously on March 25th, now fell on January 1st. Interestingly, to avoid losing 11 days of tax revenue, the official start of the new tax year was changed to 5th April. A further change, prompted by a small leap year issue, was made in 1800, moving the date to 6th April where it remains today.
Not everyone was unhappy about the introduction of the new Gregorian calendar. According to one tale, a certain William Willett, keen on a joke, wagered that he could dance non-stop for 12 days and 12 nights. On the evening of September 2nd 1752, he started to jig around the village and continued all through the night. The next morning, September 14th by the new calendar, he stopped dancing and claimed his bets!
The Missing £5 Note
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THE STORY OF THE MISSING £5 NOTE
Chippenham George worked for the Post Office and his job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk simply addressed in shaky handwriting: ‘To God’. With no other clue on the envelope, George opened the letter and read.
Dear God,
I am a 93-year-old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had in the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas and I had invited two of my friends over for Christmas lunch. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. God, can you please help me?
Chippenham George was really touched, and being kind-hearted, he put a copy of the letter up on the staff notice board at the main Fareham sorting office where he worked. The letter touched the other postmen and they all dug into their pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised £95. Using an officially franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of the nice thing they had done.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed to ‘God’ landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postmen gathered around while George opened the letter. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely luncheon for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift – in fact we haven’t got over it and even Father John, our parish priest, is beside himself with joy. By the way, there was £5 missing. I think it must have been those thieving fellows at the Post Office.
George could not help musing on Oscar Wilde’s quote: ‘A good deed never goes unpunished’
Barbecue Season Is In Full Swing!
HERE COMES THE SUN
AND THE BARBECUE SEASON IS IN FULL SWING!
Unless you’re one of those die-hards who grill all year ‘round the chances are you’ve been firing up the barbecue and looking forward to a whole summer of savoury burgers, succulent steaks, and perfectly grilled veggies. About 273 million are expected to be fired up in the UK this summer. Grilling has brought families and communities together since the first humans cooked food over a fire about 1.8 million years ago. In 2009, researchers even found mammoth ribs in a 4-ft. cooking pit that appeared to date back to 29,000 B.C. The area was also covered with conch shells, which made archaeologists wonder whether the barbecue had been a “surf-and-turf” meal.
The word “barbecue” came into English via 16th century Spanish explorers, who adopted the term from the Arawak Indians of the Caribbean, to whom the barbacoa was a grating of green wood upon which strips of meat were placed to cook or to dry over a slow fire.
USEFUL TIPS
Lighting your grill: a great little trick is to simply scrunch up a piece of paper towel, 
cover in vegetable oil and then light in the middle of your coals. It burns hotter and longer this way and will kick start your coals.
Cooking meats: remember each cut needs to be cooked differently. Generally, the higher the fat content the higher the initial heat to cook it.
Cleaning the grill: Spray with vinegar, leave for about five minutes and then scrub clean with some scrunched-up foil. Easiest of all, soak a grill in a basin for around an hour. Rinse off and it will be good as new.
BBQ BLUNDERS
A study of more than 2,000 adults by Aldi discovered the country’s three most common BBQ blunders.
- Although we haven’t heard them arrive in Wenvoe…yet, being forced to call the fire brigade
- Serving burned or undercooked food
- Dishing up meat products to vegetarians
BARBEQUES AND THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS.
Barbecues also feature in the Guinness Book of Records.
The largest attendance at a barbecue is 45,252 people at an event organised by Estado de Nuevo Leon (Mexico) on 18 August 2013.
The longest barbecue measured 8,000 metres, created by the people of Bayambang (Philippines), on 4 April 2014. The barbecue was made up of 8,000 grills connected to each other, each measuring 1 m in length, 58 cm in height and 21 cm in width.
Why Men Are Never Depressed:
Why Men Are Never Depressed:
Men Are Just Happier People
(What do you expect from such simple creatures?)
Your last name stays the same.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant. (You can look like it!)
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A weeks holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can wear a white T-shirt when walking in the rain.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If somebody forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £8.95 for three.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do all your Christmas shopping on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!
From Our Roving Photographer
Talk About Having To Go!
TALK ABOUT HAVING TO GO!
Wood frogs in Alaska have been known to hold their urine for up to eight months, sticking it out through the region’s long winters before relieving themselves once temperatures increase. The urine actually helps keep the animal alive while it hibernates, with special microbes in their gut that recycle the urea (urine’s main waste) into nitrogen
The Weird And Wonderful World Of Democracy
THE WEIRD AND WONDERFUL WORLD OF DEMOCRACY
When you rock up at the community centre to cast your vote in the Senedd Cymru elections, you might come across people exercising their right to vote for the very first time. Not everyone welcomed the idea of extending the vote to 16 year olds, but the Welsh Government hope that this move will encourage young people to engage with the political process. An estimated 33,000 foreign nationals can now also take part provided they meet certain legal and residency requirements. Our politicians of course, will be looking to attract voters both old and new. All told they will spend more than £1 million, encouraging us to turn out and especially to vote for them.
Things have moved on quite a bit since democracy first got going in 5th century Athens, when women, slaves and foreigners were excluded. We took some time to catch on to the idea of democracy. Until the Reform Act of 1832 certain ‘rotten boroughs’ in the pockets of rich landowners, elected two Members of Parliament even though there were few or even no actual voters. Dunwich in Suffolk, which as a result of coastal erosion had almost fallen into the sea and Old Sarum in Wiltshire, which consisted of two or three houses, were classic examples. This situation was even more absurd when you consider that until 1832 new industrial towns like Manchester with a population of 60,000, did not have a single MP.
In the rare event there was a properly contested election those who could afford to stand came up with some cunning plans to make sure voters turned up and voted for them and it wasn’t just in Britain. In 1758, George Washington, then a young candidate for the Virginia House of Burgesses, bought a huge round of drinks on Election Day. Washington spent his entire campaign budget — £50 — on 160 gallons of liquor served to 391 voters. The custom of buying votes with booze was perhaps not surprisingly a British tradition imported to the American colonies. In Wales we had one of the finest examples. A celebrated contest took place in Carmarthenshire in 1802 between James Hamlyn Williams and William Paxton. The election was said to have cost Paxton a total of £15,000. This included 11,070 breakfasts, 36,901 dinners, 25,275 gallons of ale, 11,068 bottles of spirits, 8,879 bottles of porter, 460 of sherry, 509 of cider and gallons of milk punch. The contest became known as ‘Lecsiwn Fawr’ (the Great Election). In spite of these efforts, Paxton was defeated and spent two years settling his debts! Things are a bit different today and in some US states such as Utah, buying any alcoholic beverages on the day of the election is actually prohibited. Indiana recently abolished this rule, but they have their own interesting take on elections where the sheriff is called to haul you out of the voting booth if you take too long – reckoned to be a maximum of three minutes.
A record $14 million was spent by the candidates during the 2020 US presidential election campaign. In the UK the spending limit for each candidate standing for election as an MP is £8,700 plus 6p per registered parliamentary elector. The current Senedd Cymru elections will cost our politicians a pretty penny. In 2016 even the Monster Raving Loony Party spent £8,808! This may not have gone down well if it was in Ohio where they have a clause that prohibits idiots from voting — no, really. It reads, “No idiot, or insane person, shall be entitled to the privileges of an elector.” Some US voters recently went so far as to suggest that this clause should apply to presidential elections as well!